They brought me to grandmom’s house today, from school. They all looked sad, some were crying too. They ordered pizza for me. In the middle of the week! I could even drink Pepsi! I played video games the whole day and watched TV. Nobody stopped me. But by night, I got very tired and started missing mommy a lot. I cried for mommy. They said she isn’t feeling too well. Doctors are giving her medicines and injections. If I am a good boy eating my food, doing my homework well, then mommy will become healthy and come soon. Happy, I hugged my little sister and slept.
Mommy never came back. I am super busy with school, classes, and weekend activities. I see dad sometimes. He is always rushing out with sheets of print outs. He looks very sad and sometimes very angry. Grandma is with us now, taking care of us. She keeps muttering a lot. There are not enough pictures of you around here mommy. I know you are never coming back again but I miss you terribly especially at nights, because you always tucked me in. But I am so tired I doze off. I sometimes wake up at night screaming. I don't hug sister and sleep now. She doesn’t remember you much but troubles me very much.
There is this raging anger inside me that is threatening to erupt and destroy me. I cannot pinpoint why but I manage to just about control. Barely though! I hate this regimenting of my life. I snap at all and sundry. I wish dad could spend some time with me, asking me what I really need, what are my dreams, my goals or what do I love? Classes and more or those monthly budget shopping for those hideously dated clothes with Granny, who by the way has no clue how we next gen dress up, comprises of my happening social calendar. Even if I protest mildly, Granny starts one of her tear jerker dramas – “I have given up my life to look after you ungrateful wretches. That devil chose the easy way out and left you both high and dry. I have to suffer now.” Dad doesn’t say anything to her instead gives me a dressing down. I can’t fathom how my sister tolerates Granny, let alone love her. At these moments, I could kill someone. Why did you leave us and go away mom? And that too in such a terrible fashion? It took me years to piece the puzzle from bits and scraps of taunts, threats and whispers.
I am going away to the hostel to earn a professional degree. Sister has suddenly become silent. Though she never had much recollection of you mom, I was her weird anchor. Now she fears the impending horrible loneliness. I promise to be there for her. Always. I doubt if she believes that, but still eagerly nods. Heck she has to find her own escape. Dad is secretly relieved, I guess. One lesser problem for him to tackle. Easier to monitor me from afar and send money when needed. He did want to remarry, scouted around half-heartedly, in due course of time gave up the idea altogether, luckily for us. Granny is bed ridden now but her motor mouth is still highly acidic. The maid and cook run the show.
I have been to the brink and back and just about managed to stay afloat. I have tasted all the supposedly forbidden fruits but haven't gotten deeply addicted to any. I managed to scrape through my course and picked up one of menial left over offers. I flirt with fire, off and on. Nothing seems to soothe this gnawing ache inside. I run around in vain searching for my anchor. Will I be able to clean up my act, before I am singed completely? Sister has done alright. She would be leaving home soon for brighter prospects.
I am getting married soon Mama. Papa says I am stupid to do this harakiri with my life. Huh! Speak of Living Dead! Harakiri is what you did with your life Mama and with us who were left behind. My Fiancée doesn't fit Papa’s bill of a perfect daughter-in-law but she completes me, soothes me, stabilizes me. I strive to be a better person when I am with her. She is God sent and I don’t want lose her. I want to set up a home soon and have a daughter whom I can spoil silly and raise like a princess.
Granny is no more and Papa is a mere shadow of his former self. A Breathing Vegetable. Sister has moved in with me and she has turned out super fine. I was always by her side, just as I had promised.
Mom, they said you were too deep in pain, to be rational or to think about us, that the doctors did their best to help you and after a while the medicines, the counseling, nothing worked. What caused the pain? Was it Dad? Or? I have no answers yet but mom is it wrong for me to feel cheated?
Cheated of your love, cheated of my childhood, cheated of a loving household which everyone else seemed to have. All I know mom, after you left suddenly without even proper goodbyes, it took a lot out of us to reach here and it was definitely not pretty. I always wonder if only you could think of us, may be even for a fleeting second, just maybe, things might have turned out much much different. But that is something that I will never know.
It’s all the in the past now. Wherever you are now, I hope you found happiness Mom.
I finally found my peace, my moorings.
P.S. I Love you. Still. Very much. Take care
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